Thursday, September 3, 2009

Some Reality

This photo is the closest thing I will get to "fall".. there is a tree in the parking area that has acorns!  However, I am doubtful these leaves will give forth with fall colors.

They do remind me of when I was a kid though.  When acorns would fall (brown not green) and with a small knife we would carve out the inside and then poke a small hole in the side and put a tiny twig in and pretend that it was an acorn pipe and then pretend to smoke it.  Where this ritual came from I can't remember.  The fact that I remember doing that at all is a small miracle lol.

So.. that's my touch of Fall.  That's a piece of reality for me.  Most of which I wish I could run away from.  But this little piece... it's not bad. Maybe it's a touch of hope of some sort.  I don't know.  I just know I was surprised when I spotted these little fellows.

A reality I need to work on.. and work on seriously... is my habit of buying books.

I hear many of you saying "ya think?" and "me too!"   I sit here and stupidly try to rationalize spending money on books.. well.. honestly.. I try to rationalize spending any money that isn't a necessity.  But books are the hardest one to deal with.  Right now they are a big part of my sanity. But truthfully, I do have enough TBR books here to do for a number of months. 

What has happened since my move to Florida is that without having the boys to deal with and to talk to it gives me time to dwell on the overwhelming sadness inside of me.

So I "rationalize" my book buying because, they help me.  They also give me a little something to look forward to.  Once ordered I get a little more excited when the mailman arrives wondering if I will have a package instead of a bill.  Believe it or not, the anticipation of the arrival of the book does as much for me as actually reading the book.. maybe more, because it takes longer to get it than to read it!. So at any given time I will suddenly log on to amazon and order a book.  While it's true it's on my wish list and I do want it... the reason I order it at that moment, is to have something to look forward to.

I say things to myself like, "well it's used and cheap".   "I need something to look forward to, life can't be without some joy".   "I'll stop next month" (boy, we all know that one don't we?! yeah right sure we will. dream on)

I know I am not the only person suffering with depression.

I know I am not the only person who sits and wonders, "is this how it all ends? Giving up anything and all that might produce some sibilance of happiness"

The answer to that question is.. yes. This is how it all ends, at least for me.  The worst part is that it will drag on like this for years before it's all over.

So, anyone reading this.. don't try to rush life by. 

Heed the old saying to Stop and Smell the Roses, because you don't get a free "do-over" card. 

You don't get back time. 

You don't get back good health. 

You don't get back youth.  And it does get harder to find (and afford)  those small things that make you happy.

It gets harder to keep getting up and to keep going when there seems to be nothing to look forward to.

So stop right now, think of something that will make you happy.. and do it while you can.  You won't be sorry.

1 comment:

Chris said...

Big hugs to you Pat! I wish I could do something to put a big smile on your face. I can't imagine how rough things must be for you. Hang in there mama! Love ya!